--- It’s been a while since I was online. So much to update. Two major things have happened... ...my gran passed away ...I’ve fallen in love My gran passed away on July 2nd. It hurts. I miss her. I’m finding it difficult to even write about it. The last time the doctors/nurses said that my gran only had days to live she got better...I just assumed that the same would happen this time too. I’m so very sorry that she never got released from hospital. My gran was amazing. Several nurses came in just to see my gran. One was pregnant and on maternity leave but she came in to see my gran...one was just back from holiday and came in to see her...they had a good bit of banter with my gran. One of the nurses was telling my dad how my gran was saying that she hadn’t had her leg over in years...that was my gran, lol. I’m still not sure what I’m really feeling and I’m not at all sure what to do with the flat my gran lived in. I own it but I’m not sure if I want to sell it or live there. Would it be too weird living in that house? I don’t want to do anything to fast and regret it. Because of a mess up...thanks to my uncle my gran finally got buried on Monday 14th July, 2008. It was a nice service. The minister guy was really good. There was a great turn out for ma gran...she had a good send off. We went to the pub afterwards and it was lovely. The food the place put on was great. I cried loads. My sister’s kids were really good. I was very happy with them and how they behaved. Now many weeks later I know I still haven’t grieved properly for my gran. For a few days I’ve felt really weak, just no energy...I’ve been moody and just so low. I think I’ve gotten over it. I was feeling much better yesterday and I’m not feeling too bad today. I know at some point I’m gonna ‘crack’. I still miss my gran. I’ve found a place that will buy the property and if I want they will rent it back to me but I don’t have to stay there...so do I stay in the flat or not? I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. Money though might force my hand on the subject. I might sell and find somewhere else to live. Just to get out of debt will be good...so I think that will be the decider. Now on with the girl news. The girl that I’ve spoken about for around 2 years added me on MySpace. I was never sure is she was gay or not, well I know now, lol. She added me and when I realised who she was we started talking went on a few dates and we’ve been inseparable since. She was with me the night my gran passed away. She was great through the whole thing. Without her I don’t know how I’d have coped as well as I did. She is everything I have always wanted in a woman. Yeah she’s 10 years younger than me but we get on so well. ‘Sheep’ was around her age and I suspected they might know each other...they went to school together. My huni’s friend tried to hook her and ‘Sheep’ up but ma huni wasn’t interested in her. ‘Sheep’ showed up out of nowhere last Saturday...she wanted to show off her new girlfriend but before she came in she ran into ma huni’s mate who after letting ‘Sheep’ go on a bit informed her that ma huni and I were together. Her jawed dropped, she had no idea the girl she was talking to knew me so the fact everything she was saying would get back to me had her freaked a bit, lol. Well when ‘Sheep’ came in I barely even acknowledged her and didn’t even notice who was with her. I don’t care about her after everything she did to me but I will say that I’m happy she didn’t try and throw her new girlfriend in ma face...poor cow. Also ma huni’s mate said that ‘Sheep’ asked if we were all loved up...which we are...her face dropped at that then she went on about how she fucked me up and ma huni will have a lot to work through...poor bitch thinks she had that much of an affect on me...nah, I’ve never been happier in my whole life. The thing about the girl I’m with now that I’ve never had is complete respect both given and receiving. We’ve only been together a short time but I’ve fallen in love with her already...she is amazing. I can be myself around her. I can be me. I can be my silly self that I often am...I don’t have to hide myself or who I really am. All the silly things I do she thinks are cute. She is my love. I have never known what is like to be with someone that so truly knows me. Someone that complements me in everyway. She is the one for me. Another ex appeared out of nowhere the other day too. I hadn’t spoken to her in around 3 years. I went on to my old hotmail account that I’m still signed up to some accounts with just to check them...she signed in too and started a chat with me. It didn’t feel all that odd. Although a couple of days later she did come in to ma work. I think she and I spoke Saturday night and she came last Tuesday. It was odd seeing her. She was the one I was worried that I might still have some hidden feelings for that would arise if I saw her...thankfully that didn’t happen. I didn’t even want to go and speak to her and didn’t. then I saw her leave. Seeing these ex’s and feeling nothing has made me feel even better about my relationship with ma huni...I don’t have any old baggage holding me back. She’s wonderful and I love her completely. She’s there and listens to me and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I hope I’ll be back online now with proper and frequent updates again. Long post but it’s gotten everything out I needed to say.

When you are followiong an angel doesn't mean you have to throw yer body off a building. Someone standing on a pinhead calls you an angel, calls you the nicest things... (They Might be Giants, lyrics)

I get upset when i feel someone died when they were not supposed to..... I get that feeling less and less these days. I do know it is a wonderful thing when we feel we had a chance to say good bye.

It's nice to see you posting again.
Give yourself time to deal with your feelings about your gran's passing. I know it took me a long time to mourn the loss of my grandma when she went. I don't think we ever really fully let go...

It is good news that you've found love though, and that she's treating you very well. :)