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I’m in two minds today about how I feel. I’ve had two really great weeks off work. Went through to Edinburgh a few times. Just relaxed more than anything and got to know my girlfriend better. She’d stayed at mine...I have a double bed...every night except last night. She said she would come back to mine but didn’t. I’ll admit I am a bit pissed off at this since we only have today left before we go back to ‘normal’.

All in all though it’s been a good two weeks. I can’t wait for my next holiday, lol.

My gran had life insurance. My mum was expecting a decent pay out but turns out my gran had taken out a lump sum a number of years ago that no one knew about. The sum that has been paid out doesn’t even cover the cost to the funeral. It’s such a shame. I paid a little over £500 to the funeral director to get things started...expecting to get it back but I’ve told my mum to keep it and put it towards the funeral costs.

Mum was also going to give me money of the settlement but that can’t happen now...part of me is upset but I can’t complain. I’ll need to sell the flat my gran owned but I’m going to sell it to a company that will allow me to live in there. My neighbour used the company that I’m think of using so I know that they will probably buy the property and allow me to live there.

It seems a tad petty but I don’t know if I want to see my girlfriend today. If she’d come round then we’d have all of today together...I’ll need to go to my bed early since I’ve been staying up late every night and I won’t get up tomorrow if I stay up late again...so if we see each other we’ll need to part pretty early. I’m really annoyed that two weeks together ended kinda weak. I suppose it’s good to know that the internet and creating new e-mails and MySpace accounts is more important than spending what little time we have of our holiday together. My girlfriend works part-time so she has all of tomorrow until 3pm to do what she did last night or like she has done previously she could have done it hear...her internet was running slow so she’d have finished much quicker hear.

I know I’m being petty but we’ll be going back to only seeing each other couple of hours every other day now. I just wanted to end our holiday together.

I know I’ll get over it...just had to rant a little about it. It’s a silly thing to get annoyed about but now that I’ve got it out there I don’t have to worry about it all that much now.

Free-IQTest.net - Free I.Q. Test Online

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I’m really loving being off. It’s been great. I’ve not done anything too strenuous. I’ve not gone away but it’s nice to just have a break from work.

Emotionally I was getting to a point that I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to keep going...and physically it wasn’t much better. It’s been nice just to slow down and not have to think too much.

I’ve spent everyday with my new girl. It’s been good to get to know her. I don’t think I’m going to have a re-play off what I had with previous girls...I’m so much in love...so much in love...so much in love...so much so that I can’t stop saying it, lol.

I knew these two weeks off together would either make us or break us and I think we are gonna be ok. We’re meant to be...that’s how we both see it.

It’s close to the end of the first week. We’re going to go through to Edinburgh on Saturday...there’s a guy I’ve been friends with online for several years...we’ve kept saying that we should meet up but it never happens...looks like it will this weekend. We added each other on MySpace...we’re both huge Jim Steinman fans. It will be good to finally meet him. He has a lot of rare Jim Steinman DVD’s and CD’s that just are not available...I’m excited to get them. He text yesterday to say that he would get tickets to a fringe show...I’ve never been to one so this should be good.

I’ve not been back in the flat that my gran lived in. I know I have to decide what to do with it...it’s been a month since my gran passed so I have to decide whether to keep it or sell it of maybe even rent it out. I still miss my gran so very much.

I was so hoping to go down south and see my best mate but I simply couldn’t afford it...was going to ‘stalk’ Gillian Anderson at the X-Files premier but with my gran passing and the money I paid out for that I just didn’t have the money. I miss my mate so much...there’s part of me that thinks I should just move down there beside her for a couple of years. If I hadn’t met this girl I’m with now there is a good chance I would have done that by now...although I’m not sure how she’d feel about that, lol.

Well that’s about all I’ve got to say...not all that much has happened other than I’ve been lazy for this past week...sweet.

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It’s been a while since I was online. So much to update. Two major things have happened...

...my gran passed away
...I’ve fallen in love

My gran passed away on July 2nd. It hurts. I miss her. I’m finding it difficult to even write about it. The last time the doctors/nurses said that my gran only had days to live she got better...I just assumed that the same would happen this time too. I’m so very sorry that she never got released from hospital.

My gran was amazing. Several nurses came in just to see my gran. One was pregnant and on maternity leave but she came in to see my gran...one was just back from holiday and came in to see her...they had a good bit of banter with my gran. One of the nurses was telling my dad how my gran was saying that she hadn’t had her leg over in years...that was my gran, lol.

I’m still not sure what I’m really feeling and I’m not at all sure what to do with the flat my gran lived in. I own it but I’m not sure if I want to sell it or live there. Would it be too weird living in that house?

I don’t want to do anything to fast and regret it.

Because of a mess up...thanks to my uncle my gran finally got buried on Monday 14th July, 2008. It was a nice service. The minister guy was really good. There was a great turn out for ma gran...she had a good send off. We went to the pub afterwards and it was lovely. The food the place put on was great.

I cried loads. My sister’s kids were really good. I was very happy with them and how they behaved.

Now many weeks later I know I still haven’t grieved properly for my gran. For a few days I’ve felt really weak, just no energy...I’ve been moody and just so low. I think I’ve gotten over it. I was feeling much better yesterday and I’m not feeling too bad today. I know at some point I’m gonna ‘crack’. I still miss my gran.

I’ve found a place that will buy the property and if I want they will rent it back to me but I don’t have to stay there...so do I stay in the flat or not? I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. Money though might force my hand on the subject. I might sell and find somewhere else to live. Just to get out of debt will be good...so I think that will be the decider.

Now on with the girl news. The girl that I’ve spoken about for around 2 years added me on MySpace. I was never sure is she was gay or not, well I know now, lol. She added me and when I realised who she was we started talking went on a few dates and we’ve been inseparable since.

She was with me the night my gran passed away. She was great through the whole thing. Without her I don’t know how I’d have coped as well as I did. She is everything I have always wanted in a woman. Yeah she’s 10 years younger than me but we get on so well. ‘Sheep’ was around her age and I suspected they might know each other...they went to school together.

My huni’s friend tried to hook her and ‘Sheep’ up but ma huni wasn’t interested in her. ‘Sheep’ showed up out of nowhere last Saturday...she wanted to show off her new girlfriend but before she came in she ran into ma huni’s mate who after letting ‘Sheep’ go on a bit informed her that ma huni and I were together. Her jawed dropped, she had no idea the girl she was talking to knew me so the fact everything she was saying would get back to me had her freaked a bit, lol.

Well when ‘Sheep’ came in I barely even acknowledged her and didn’t even notice who was with her. I don’t care about her after everything she did to me but I will say that I’m happy she didn’t try and throw her new girlfriend in ma face...poor cow. Also ma huni’s mate said that ‘Sheep’ asked if we were all loved up...which we are...her face dropped at that then she went on about how she fucked me up and ma huni will have a lot to work through...poor bitch thinks she had that much of an affect on me...nah, I’ve never been happier in my whole life.

The thing about the girl I’m with now that I’ve never had is complete respect both given and receiving. We’ve only been together a short time but I’ve fallen in love with her already...she is amazing. I can be myself around her. I can be me. I can be my silly self that I often am...I don’t have to hide myself or who I really am. All the silly things I do she thinks are cute. She is my love. I have never known what is like to be with someone that so truly knows me. Someone that complements me in everyway. She is the one for me.

Another ex appeared out of nowhere the other day too. I hadn’t spoken to her in around 3 years. I went on to my old hotmail account that I’m still signed up to some accounts with just to check them...she signed in too and started a chat with me. It didn’t feel all that odd. Although a couple of days later she did come in to ma work. I think she and I spoke Saturday night and she came last Tuesday. It was odd seeing her. She was the one I was worried that I might still have some hidden feelings for that would arise if I saw her...thankfully that didn’t happen. I didn’t even want to go and speak to her and didn’t. then I saw her leave.

Seeing these ex’s and feeling nothing has made me feel even better about my relationship with ma huni...I don’t have any old baggage holding me back. She’s wonderful and I love her completely. She’s there and listens to me and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I hope I’ll be back online now with proper and frequent updates again. Long post but it’s gotten everything out I needed to say.

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My gran is in hospital. Was suppose to only be for a couple of days but she got a chest infection while in there. She's pissed off that she's not getting out tomorrow like she thought she was.

My great-uncle passed away on Sunday. It's very upsetting. Having to break the news to my gran that her last brother had passed away was horrible...made worse by the fact that she was in hospital.

I'm worried about my mate that's in hospital...she's not happy and I'm not sure if she's getting any better.

I'll update better in a day or two when I have more time.

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I went to pay my credit card bill today on my lunch, like I usually do. I owe a fair wee amount...not an absurd amount but enough that the interest is a pain in the ass.

The woman that served me was lovely. She said that maybe they could do something to reduce my payments. Sweet. So this chap comes over and takes me off to a wee room. We talk and he’s sorted all my money problems out. It’s great. I’m so happy. I’m really happy.

The only down side is that I spent my entire lunch hour in there so got nothing to eat. Worse than that I didn’t get a chance to get my gran a birthday present. My sister usually comes in the shop several times a day but today she was in while I was on lunch and didn’t show again...thankfully though she did, just after 4pm. Thank God! She went and got the thing I was going to get my gran. Phew.

My gran loved her presents. I’m happy my money problems are finally sorted. This guy at the bank is what I’ve needed for years. His solution was fantastic and if only I’d set this up years ago I’d be in a much better financial place. I’m now on the road to financial betterment...woohoo!

I’m trying to think of something really good and catchy to write about but I’m way to boring...boo!!!

‘It’s always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them’

That was just said on Sex and the City and it’s both true and frightening to think that perhaps people do think that way when they do find someone to spend the rest of their life with.

It makes me ask these questions...

• Wouldn’t that be classed as settling?
• Wouldn’t that mean you wouldn’t be 100% happy because you were not wholeheartedly in love?
• How many people have settled?
• Do the people that ‘love more’ know that they are with someone that doesn’t love them as much?
• Would you know if your ‘other half’ didn’t love you as much as you love them?
• These people that settle, do they fake the love? Do they make out they love as much as their partner does and if they do are they not exhausted from all the ‘acting’?
• Do those people that settle look at friends with mutual love and wish they had that?
• What makes people settle?
• Why wouldn’t someone wait until they find someone they love as much as that love is returned?
• Most marriages end in divorce so is settling a way of coping with the possibility that divorce might happen and if you’re not 100% invested you won’t be too crushed if or when it ends?
• Do so many marriages end because there is one partner more in love with the other?
• In the end, does the one that loves more walk away from their partner because they don’t feel the love? For a while, I’m sure they did but eventually it will be obvious there wasn’t mutual love on the same level.

And the big question it brings up for me is...

• Could I settle for that kind of love or life-long commitment with someone?

I want to say that I wouldn’t settle or that I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love me as much as I love them but the truth is I think I probably would.

Who would have it worse...

The person who gets to love someone so much and show that love but not get it back in the same measure?

or

The person that gets all this love showered on them but not feel you deserve because you don’t/can’t return that level of love?

I don’t know which is worse. I think the person giving all the love, if they are that much in love they probably won’t even notice they are not getting as much love back because they are ‘blinded’ by love. In time I would imagine that would fade and perhaps they would feel cheated but in the moment during the ‘good years’ I’m sure they wouldn’t notice something wasn’t ‘quite right’.

Depending on the reason behind the ‘settling’, that person over time would be filled with guilt, perhaps even shame that they are getting so much love and attention from one person and they are only returning a fraction of what they are receiving. That kind of thing, while good and I’d imagine an ego boost would surely, in time, just leave you feeling hollow and empty inside?!

When things start going wrong. I’m not saying they always will, I’m sure there are many marriages that have lasted but for some there will come a time when the love isn’t are forth coming. The person that settled how would they react to that? Do they confront and ask why with the fear that they may be confronted with their lack of love commitment?

In the end...who is more likely to end it? I think it’s more likely to be the person who loves more. I think they are more likely to ‘be picked up’. I think they are more likely to realise something isn’t right. I think they are more likely to find someone else. If they meet someone and there is mutual respect, friendship and if they realise their friend is loving them and they get to feel what that really feels like, well they’re more likely to leave for the real thing than stay with someone they love but doesn’t return it.

If that happens I wonder if the person wonders how/why they stayed with someone so long when now, in hindsight, they were never loved the way they thought they were.

I think the person that settles is more likely to have an affair, mindless, meaningless and emotionless sex. They are loved but over time do they forget to even show what love they used too? They are so loved I doubt they will see things are wrong until it’s too late. They are the people that will push their partner away until it’s impossible to save what they had and when that happens...

Do they finally realise what they have lost?

And if they do, how do they react? Lost? Surprised? Sad? Hollow? I would imagine that by the time that happened they would be so withdrawn and without real emotion that it would hit them harder than it would their partner if they had ended things.

I’ve been screwed over in my last two serious relationships. Being promised the world. The word love being bounced around and with enough ‘feeling’ that I actually believed the ‘forever’s’ and all the other bullshit.

So my closing question is...

How do you know or how can you be sure someone loves you as much as you love them?

Today is my dad’s 62nd birthday.

Happy Birthday Dad.

[Edit]
I messed up on talking about the ‘woman' who lost ‘her’ husband. It was a chap that wrote the journal...I feel so stupid because when I started reading I thought it was a guy and then I read ‘husband’ and just assumed...I’m a moron so I’m editing the entry to reflect this...thankfully this chap didn’t take offence at my slip up but just the same I do apologise to him for my mistake. So on with the fixing...
[End Edit]

I enjoy ‘blog hopping’ via BlogExplosion. Some blogs are informative. Some I see more than others. Some I find boring. Some surprise. Some have ‘animals’ writing them and I don’t know why but that creeps me out. Then sometimes there is one that makes me cry.

A young man lost his husband at a very young age. It made me think right away about my sister and her losing her husband. Took me over half an hour to post a comment to that man. Everything that I typed seemed so superficial and fake.

I remember what it was like two years ago. In my comment I spoke of my sister and the pain she went through. But right now I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself. Damn, the tears are coming again.

I know I’m still not over my brother-in-laws death. My sister has a new man in her life and they seem to be getting on well. There’s a chance my sister will get her kids back. That’s two years they’ve been living with my mum and dad. My sister seems to be getting her life together. I never went ‘mental’ like my sister. My sister didn’t go crazy but she wasn’t looking after her kids and started seeing a really bad guy, thankfully though, she does seem to be getting back to ‘normal’.

So I never quite went off the rails so to speak but I still find it hard to think about my brother-in-law and not cry. OMG, it’s only five months until the 3rd anniversary of his passing. Fuck! I didn’t think it was that soon. I think my biggest problem is I never realised just how much I loved that guy.

During one of my random ‘in my head moments’ I had this thought...

‘I loved him like he was my brother’

Yeah, it took over two years for me to figure out why I took the death of my brother-in-law so hard...

...he was a brother too me...not by blood but he was my brother.

Maybe now that I’ve figured that out I’ll be able to deal and not burst into tear every time I think about him or anytime I hear Green Day’s ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’. I have to leave the shop floor in work if it ever gets played. Over Christmas I was helping a chap with iPod speakers, he was using his own iPod and he had that song on it. I started to cry, apologised, and excused myself. I can’t handle that song.

I still find it amazing that it was playing on the radio in my sisters kitchen the day my brother(-in-law) passed away...in September.

I still remember the phone call that morning tell us he passed away. I remember the police coming to get my mum, dad and me to take us to my sisters house and I sure as hell will NEVER forget walking into my sisters living room and my brother(-in-law) lying on the floor. I turned to leave and walked into my dad and said, ‘he’s still here’. I just assumed they’d take him away but there are procedures and things that have to get followed.

I’m 32 now and almost 3 years ago I experienced my first ‘close’ loss. I should be thankful. As silly as this sounds and maybe a little morbid but for years I’ve been preparing myself for my gran’s passing and always assumed her funeral would be the first I’d attend. I never imagined that my brother(in-law’s) would be the first one.

I miss him so much. It breaks my heart when my mum says to my littlest niece ‘Oh, I’m silly I’ve forgotten your dad’s name, what is it again?’ The little five year old says his name. Then my mum asks where he is and the wee one says, ‘In heaven with the angles looking after me’. I swear every time it gets me. My oldest niece and the twins were and are old enough to have their own memories of their dad. The wee one unfortunately she was too young. Pictures and stories is the only way she knows her dad. I hate that fact. I hate that she has not even one memory of her dad that she can call her own.

I used to always pray that nothing happened to my sister, no kid should be raised without their mother but not once did I pray that their father shouldn’t be taken. Never occurred to me that he could die.

I hated the questions. The people that had no tact and no sensitivity and would just ask ‘what happened?’ I found it hard enough, only breaking down once on the shop floor, I can’t imagine how hard it was for my sister.

I used to take her out and into town for a couple of hours just to get away from everyone. We’d talk about nothing important. It did her good. Being stuck in all that ‘death’ wasn’t good. People and their ‘well meaning’ comments were quite often useless. ‘You’ll get passed it’, ‘the pain will heal in time’ blah blah blah. So fucking what. At the moment nothing could take away the pain that her husband had passed away. My sister knew they meant well but like I said she’s seeing someone new so they were right but at the time, living in that moment, feeling the loss and the hurt and the pain, all those ‘you have to keep going’ and all that other bullshit just had my sister wanting to scream in those peoples faces to ‘fuck off’. I told her she should and that she was dealing with enough...and lets face it, if they were true friends they’d understand and still be there for my sister.

I miss my brother(-in-law). I miss him so much. I miss him as much as if he were my blood. I hope that now I can move passed the tears but there is part of me that doesn’t really want to either. It’s just so hard sometimes knowing I’ll never see him again. It’s a little weird to think that, to know that I’ll never speak to him again.

I do believe in God and Heaven so I know when I pass I’ll meet up with him and I do ‘speak’ to him...I know he can hear me. He was young. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. My oldest niece was the one that realised something wasn’t right that morning. She handled it all well.

My mum stayed with my sister and helped with the kids. I went home with my dad because we had to make my gran’s tea. We went into the pub for one drink. We talked and I swear seeing my dad near tears had me burst into tears. My dad has always been one of those guys that doesn’t cry so seeing it had a massive effect.

It was a Monday evening so it wasn’t busy in the pub. I saw a few people looking over. I wondered what they were thinking had happened to have me cry in the middle of a pub. Ever since then when I see someone cry like that in a place you wouldn’t expect it I wonder if it’s because they’ve lost someone. Was never something I thought about before.

Well I didn’t mean to ramble and I’m sure I’ve repeated stuff that I’ve posted before but I don’t care...I needed to talk about it tonight. I’m not re-reading it so if there are things that are a little muddled or doesn’t make sense then so be it...I’ve cried enough tonight. I’m going to bed.

Been watching 'I Still Know What You Did Last Summer'. Last night I watched the first one and Jennifer Love Hewitt is well hot! Was talking about her over on my MySpace so thought I'd bring the vids here for any passers-by to have a look at.

The first one makes me look like a bit of a perv but the video is just too damn hot not to share. I’d watched the ‘Last Summer’ movies many times but it wasn’t until I saw ‘Ghost Whisperer’ that I saw how tasty Jennifer Love Hewitt really is. And then watching ‘Last Summer’ 1 & 2 again I saw it there but somehow missed it every other time I watched it. Enough talk and now on with the show...

Jennifer Love Hewitt should wear a bikini way more...way, way more.



Oh, just saw my first screen caps from the new X-Files movie...Scully was without gun but you know that she’s gonna have to shoot someone or something at some point through that film...can’t wait. Maybe she can shoot that bloke that’s in it too and then she can get Angelina Jolie as her new partner...OMG them two in a film together again...and they would both have guns…*swoon*...someone tell me how I can make that happen!!!

Speaking of Angelina Jolie and guns...not that long now until Wanted comes out...if you’ve not seen any trailers for it then watch this...



AND OMG WATCH THIS ONE…



Much hotness!!!

I’m surprised to say this but I do seem to be having a friendship with ‘Sheep’. She text and when I wasn’t too enthusiastic she got in touch via IM. We talked and it wasn’t too bad. We’ve IM’s a few times. It’s been good. She text a lot yesterday.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I do still love her. There ya go...I said it! I STILL love the bitch!!! There is part of me that still doesn’t like her and I don’t trust her so there will be NOTHING more than a friendship. And when I say ‘friendship’ what I mean is the barest of resemblances to what a real friendship is.

Because I don’t trust her I know I can’t allow any feelings I have to rise to the surface and get attached to her again.

I suppose what I feel more than anything is...

...I feel sorry for her.

She hurts so much and she’s so confused and she doesn’t know what she wants. Or she does know what she wants its just that she is so worried that she’s missing out on something she can't allow herself to be happy. She’s lovely but mega fucked up!

What a night. Let me talk about today first. Today was good. I didn’t think it would take that much to get used to my day off being a Thursday but I do miss having a Tuesday off. I’m happy I was off today.

Went and got the wee one from nursery. She was very happy to see me. She knows I usually sleep late on my day of and don’t get up and wash and dress in time to go get her...I’m lucky if I’ve done that by mid-day on my day off, lol. But today I was determined to go get her.

Then I went into town to meet my work colleague. It’s her birthday today...she loved her present. Two packets of TUC biscuits and two packets of Oreos (is that how you spell it?). Anyways, that wasn’t the main gift...I got her a replica of Dean’s amulet...if you watch Supernatural you’ll know what it is. I’m glad she liked it.

Then I came home and just hung out. Was online for a bit and did Brain Training on the DS. All went well until tonight.

My gran just lives across the road from me. Neighbour of hers came to the door and said that my gran’s house door is open and she’s sitting in the hall. WTF? So went over and my aunt is there...clearly on something...alcohol and goodness know what else. I’m almost certain there was more that just alcohol in her system.

Anyway, she was shouting the odds, I’d heard about her and how she is now...I’ve not seen her in ages and not had any dealings with her in the longest time but I got a first hand exclusive tonight!!!

When I went in my gran was just inside her room. My aunt was just finishing saying ’...I’ll deck her. I’ll deck the fucking bitch.’ Nice! I asked gran if she was ok. She was. But my aunt kept on going...mouthing off. My mum didn’t help by arguing with her. My gran got so upset and very angry. Fist clenched she threatened to punch my aunt. My gran should not be getting that upset. I hated seeing her like that.

My aunt just went on about my dad ‘fucking everything in town’ not recently but 20 or so years ago. Yeah, sure...my dad is the last person to do that and 20 or so years ago my dad didn’t go anywhere without my mum. Then apparently, 20 or so years ago my mum and dad went out and got drunk every night. And then the story went that my mum and gran went out every night and got drunk?!

My gran had to get into bed and get back on her oxygen machine. My aunt was sitting on the bed, had to ask her to move and get up. Got gran in bed and I sat between her and my aunt...can’t trust she won’t hurt my gran.

My aunt then told me that at school I was called a ‘tink’. I asked who by. She seemed surprised I was there and once again said that she would never say anything against me! Yeah, right. Then when she hugged my arm and put her head on my shoulder I told her to stop touching me and to get off.

When my mum had said that my aunt had slagged me off on the phone my aunt kept saying that she had never said anything bad about me and never would...this was about 2 or 3 minutes after calling me a ’tink’ and 2 or 3mins before calling me ‘a wee lesbian’. My only response to that was...

‘hey, there’s nothing wee about me, I’m a big fucking lesbian thank you very much!’

So on it went. My gran was upset. My uncle is an alcoholic. He was in no shape to stand up to her. So when my aunt got up and quite literally got in my mums face I got up and got between them...last thing that was needed was them two getting into a physical fight...so I got my aunt out into the hall and I asked her to leave.

She wasn’t happy. She tried to get passed me and back into the bedroom. I told her to leave. She no longer had a choice. For about 5mins she stood and had a go at me. ‘Ya wee lesbian’, ‘you were a tink at school’, ‘you don’t love your gran’, ‘you’re a liar’. Then my favourite, ‘look at you, you think you’re the big woman’. My obvious reply was ‘I don’t think I’m the big woman, I know I’m the big woman’ (I know, too obvious but who could resist?). Then she said, ‘Look at you, you think you own this place.’ To which I replied...’I DO own this place.’ That shut her up. That flat is mine, it’s in my name and I pay the mortgage, but it’s my gran’s home and that’s what is important.

My gran was upset and in the end my aunt realised that I wasn’t going to shout or argue and I sure as hell wasn’t going to move and let her back in the room. She kept going on about the money she came up to give my gran back. I told her that was fine but in future, if she still owed money to just post. Not to bother coming back. She went on about not being wanted or loved...blah blah blah! I got my mum to phone a taxi and then she eventually left after threatening me with the police and then told me that when ‘this’ whatever ‘this’ is goes to court that I will lose. Bugger!!!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the police show up and if they do fair enough, I didn’t do anything and I have enough witnesses to prove it.

Sat with gran a while, my aunt walked away. The taxi showed before my mum could cancel it. I went out, apologised, and explained what had happened, she was nice and was cool about it. When the home help people came in mum and me came back over the road.

Then...

Gran called. My uncle had fallen. Great!

Went over and there was a plate in the hall but no sign of my uncle. Goes in and asks my gran where he is. He was on the floor with a bad cut on his head. Much blood!!!

He is very weak. He doesn’t eat all that much...I believe this is common for alcoholics. Took a few attempts to get him up...he looked afraid, think he was scared he’d fall again. So I got him up and got my mum to bring the wheelchair so we could get him into it.

Finally got him in. Got a wet towel and cleaned his head...he wouldn’t go to the hospital. It looks bad but I don’t think it’s that deep. He’s lucky; it was pretty close to his eye. Looks like he fell in the hall and then fell when he got back in the room.

I said to him that if he needs to go to the toilet or anything to grab gran’s chair and push himself through in that. He’s in no fit state to walk anywhere, not tonight anyway. The chair he sits in is gran’s old wheelchair...the tyres are flat so he can’t go anywhere in that. He’s spending the night; don’t think he could make it home even if he wanted too.

After that, we came back over the road. Thankfully, everything seems to be ok. There’s been no more incidents...so far. Fingers crossed nothing else happens. My gran needs rest. She needs no more drama tonight...hell I need no more drama tonight.

I worry that my aunt in her ‘state’ will do something crazy. I don’t want my gran hurt. I don’t want any of my family hurt, not even my crazy aunt. I just hope that there are no more incidents...not for a while anyway.

This is what almost 'killed' my niece...



...ok I know this isn't a toy and I suspect that it wouldn't kill someone but the wee one and myself got a pretty bad shock from it. Cool thing to have just make sure if you have one that you supervise kids around it!

Today was really good at work...well almost. Things have been going pretty well over the last few weeks. One of the temps has been taken back on for a few hours a day most days...she's nice enough and it gives me someone to talk to on the shop floor but…

Why does there always have to be a but???

...my days off are usually Tuesday and Sunday. When the new rota is put up I right in my wee diary what days I’m in and so on...sometimes someone will be on holiday so my day off will need to change. Everything on the last rota was fine. By luck I looked at it this afternoon and found my day off has been changed to Friday and the next couple of weeks I’m off on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays.

I’m not bothered about my day off changing, that’s fair enough but it’s the fact that they didn’t bother to say that the rota had been changed. On it is written ‘amended rota’ but I never look at it because I take a note of my days off. It really was lucky that something made me look at it today. All management had to do was say that they had changed the rota and I should take a look. Or say that my day off had changed, check the rota...or something similar to that.

Management always go on about communication between ‘them’ and ‘us’ but they are still so shit at it sometimes. If I hadn’t looked, I’d have gotten a call tomorrow asking where I was. I hate when they do stuff like that. Thankfully, I didn’t have anything important planned. Just bugs me when they take their staff for granted and don’t inform them of simple changes to stuff.

Aye, without a doubt this is strange...I post saying I felt like ‘Sheep’ was going to get in touch blah blah blah...don’t want her too blah blah blah...and what happens? She bloody gets in touch! This happened the last time we broke up as well...except last time I did want her getting in touch. Anyways I kept it extremely brief. I don’t want friendship but I do want my money and DVD back.

She asked how I was; I said fine and asked after her. I then asked when she’d be down so I can get my stuff. She said she didn’t know but she’d text and we can arrange to meet. I said no just hand it in where I work...anyone can take it and pass it on to me. I asked if she was still coming down for the gig at the weekend...she said no. Fair enough, I don’t know if I believe that or if she just won’t have the money to pay me back. I don’t honestly care.

She said last time we text that she was deleting my number...clearly that was a lie. Then there’s all the bullshit I was told while we were together so I really can’t believe her. Maybe she’s not coming down for it...I won’t know and I really don’t care...as long as I get my stuff back eventually.

Will she get in touch again? I don’t know. I’m not interested in persuing a friendship with her...I think she caught onto that because, well I wasn’t rude but I wasn’t very friendly either and her last text was extremely to the point so I guess she realised she wasn’t getting anything more than civial from me and even then considering the fact she cheated on me she should be thankfull she got anything from me. If it wasn’t for me wanting my stuff back I wouldn’t have bothered replying.

I’ll admit there is part of me that is curious as to whether she is still with the woman she cheated on me with but once again, I don’t care enough to ask.

Can’t believe that once again after talking about ‘feeling’ she would be in touch, she actually got in touch...second time!!! It’s pretty cool.